


The Things That Make Erik

by wxnchesterr



Series: The Things That Make _____ [1]
Category: X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional Trauma, Erik has Issues, Erik has PTSD, Holocaust, Mentions of Holocaust, Other, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, sorry this is pretty dark, uhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 21:30:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12396612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wxnchesterr/pseuds/wxnchesterr
Summary: Set sometime during X-Men First Class, Pre-CubaThese are the things, Charles realizes somewhere along the way, that makes Erik distinctly that: Erik.Chapter Warnings: Uhh... this was supposed to be happy but it didn't turn out that way. Mentions of PTSD, trauma, Holocaust, mentions of past rape/non-con. Watch out kids, James is back with a dark fic that will hurt your soul.





	The Things That Make Erik

**Author's Note:**

> ahH. ok, so this one is pretty dark, definitely read the chapter warnings and the tags. other than that, hope you like it. leave a comment with any constructive criticism or anything else you'd like to say.

Charles isn't sure when or why he started noticing things about Erik; he can't be sure when it started, and he can't tell if Erik has picked up on it yet. The answer to that is probably no because Charles gets the inkling that of Erik knew that Charles was picking up on these small, minor, tiny details, he would have said something. Or, more in Erik's style, he would have separated himself even more from the rest of the house and would have stopped doing anything particularly Erik-like that Charles could pick up on. 

Since Erik had done none of these things, it was safe to assume one of two things: Erik didn't know Charles was picking up on it, or Erik didn't even realize he was doing these things.

Erik is an enigma; the man exudes confidence and pride, holds himself like he's a god among naive civilians. As far as Raven or Alex may be concerned, Erik is a conceited, prideful bastard. The truth in that statement is that there is none. 

Charles hasn't poked around in Erik's mind without permission, save the night they met. Even with Charles' limited knowledge of how Erik's mind works, Charles gets the impression that it's more so like this: Erik balances a dangerously thin line between simultaneously thinking he's the scum of the earth and thinking he's one of the best fit to save it. More often than not, however, his thoughts lean towards thinking the more negative side of that statement, and Charles desperately wants to change that.

Its' not just in his surface thoughts, either; of course, they are in his deeper conscious, but it also shows in the things he says and does when he's sure no one can see him.

Except, of course, Charles can, because Charles knows this house better than he does his own name; he knows which floorboards creak and what stairs squeak, he knows that the rug in the west wing hallway smells of his mother's perfume, even after all these years. So if Charles really wanted to walk into a room without anyone noticing, of course, he could- even without his telepathy(and really, that says more about him than anything else).

Sometimes Erik sits alone, curled in on himself with nothing but his thoughts to keep him occupied. And really, Erik's mind is so full and clustered it doesn't surprise Charles that he really doesn't need anything else to keep him busy. 

Erik will curl into chairs, or corners, or sometimes even under a table or in the back of a closet somewhere, his arms wrapped around himself to try and protect himself from a non-existent threat. It makes Charles' heart hurt; because what else would be instinct after so many years of pain and torture if not the urge to protect ones' self from a threat that isn't even there. Charles doesn't let himself think that Erik's brain has hardwired itself to always expect pain, but then he does think it, and yes, the truth there hurts.

It shows in the way Erik flinches at small things like a hand on his shoulder, or someone stretching; it's always a small, small enough that no one but Charles notices it. Erik doesn't really like to be touched. As far as Charles can tell, Erik's brain thinks of touch like this: it has never been equivalent to good. It has only resulted in blood, or bruises, or burns or something that would not be categorized as good. All touch, inherently, is bad. It must be simpler that way, rather than this touch is bad, and so is this, but this is good; this person, here, and like this is good. But only like this, only occasionally. It is so much simpler to think of all touch as bad. It must make it easier for Erik(Although Charles does not know what "easier" implies). 

Charles tries to limit when he touches Erik, now realizing that he alone cannot change a lifetime worth of negative associations. Erik associates touch with pain(he associates a lot of think with pain, Charles realizes belatedly) and realistically, Charles knows he can't entirely change that. Charles is typically a pretty affectionate person, but when said affection is doing more damage than it is good, he knows he shouldn't be doing it. So Charles took his affection elsewhere, and it was certainly far more appreciated.

Charles really does try not to let the other's sleeping schedules bother him. He ignores the fact that Sean falls asleep at one in the morning and wakes at noon or later, he doesn't mention that Alex probably sleeps a little too much. He's extremely thankful for Hank and Raven's somewhat normal sleeping habits(occasionally Hank will fall asleep in the hours closest to dawn, but Charles forgives him for it). 

But, of course, Erik is the exception. Maybe it's that Erik only seems to sleep two or three times a week, and only for about an hour or two before the nightmares kick in. Nightmares are, of course, to be expected. Erik is a Holocaust survivor. Worse than that, he survived Shaw(or Herr Doktor, as he's often referred to in Erik's memory). Charles won't ever know everything that Erik went through at the camps. He won't truly know the extent of the pain Erik endured, but he can take a guess.

Obviously torture. Shaw wanted to unlock Erik's powers through pain, and he clearly succeeded in that. There is, of course, the psychological trauma that comes with that. The obvious PTSD that Erik must have, the nightmares and the paranoia. There must be scars, although Charles has never seen them, other than small glimpses when Erik's usually tucked in shirt rides up and Charles can see the beginnings of what looks to be a burn scar on his hips. 

Then there's the less obvious, that Charles can really only assume because there is no way in hell that Erik would ever talk about it if it were true. Charles, as aforementioned, has a knack for picking up on small, seemingly insignificant things. Like, for example, how Erik always wear layers, always long sleeves. Charles knows for a fact that Erik isn't ashamed of the numbers on his arm, he doesn't actively try to hide them. At least not on purpose. It goes back to this: Erik does not like people touching him, he always wear layers, never takes his clothes off in front of other people. Perhaps Charles is taking one gigantic, stupidly ridiculous leap, but Charles can't help but think that perhaps, in the camps, Erik had things done to him that was far worse than a needle or a knife. (Charles can recall a small, sew-on pink triangle from somewhere in Erik's memory, but he can't be sure what it means.) Maybe it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to assume that Shaw(Schmidt, Herr Doktor)was the cause of the burn scars on Erik's hips(that just so happened to look like handprints, even with as little as Charles had seen).

Charles knows, deep down, it's not that unrealistic that something like that happened to Erik in the camps. It's too far a stretch, and that thought alone makes Charles' heartache.

Another thing Erik would never admit to, Charles thinks, would be that he still prays. He still believes in God and he still has a small, leather-bound Torah in his room, tucked underneath the mattress. Charles can't be sure why Erik would hide it. Maybe it's because Erik desperately wants to believe that there is no God- Erik wants to believe that there is nothing besides himself that could have saved him from those years in the camps because if God was real wouldn't he have helped? Wouldn't he have helped all of them? Then, Charles thinks, Erik prays because his religion is something he fought for; something his family died for, something thousands of people died for. They died because they believed, and Erik fought for it, and he wasn't about to give up something that he'd spent half his life living for. 

Erik still prays, and Charles has only picked up on it through his own research: The mornings, afternoons, evenings, after meals; these are the most common, and Erik tries his best to stick to them. Erik is not ashamed of his religion, or the numbers on his forearm, but he keeps them locked away. They are both things that he chooses to keep a secret, possibly for fear of the others hating him for it or maybe because he had to hide it for so long and now it's only habit. Again, Charles will probably never have real answers to all the questions he has about Erik Lehnsherr. 

Things like: What's your real name?(Max Eisenhardt) Who's the girl in your memories that has your eyes?(Ruth Eisenhardt; my sister) What was your father's name?(Jakob) What did Shaw do to you?(Many, many things) How many people have you hurt?(Too many) Who's Magda?(The first woman I ever loved) And Anya?(My hope. My daughter, long dead) Why do you despise chocolate?(Schmidt made simple things horrible. He took away things that I used to love and turned them sour, turned them into nightmares) Were you ever raped in the camps?(Yes) Why is Shaw so cruel?(I wish I knew) Do you celebrate Hannukah?(Not anymore. It was Ruth's favorite holiday and I can't stand to do it without her)

Charles would not get answers, and he would not go looking for them. Erik was a private person, and Charles would let him remain that way. 

These are the things, Charles realizes somewhere along the way, that make Erik distinctly that: Erik. 

Erik and his mannerisms of self-loathing, the illusion he puts out there of strength and confidence, the facade of being well-kept and put together. Erik, who in the sad reality they are in, would rather die in an ocean than fail.


End file.
